by
Jaye B.
(editor’s note: something I penned back in the day. I’ve changed my mind however about Michael Jackson seeing that he had the courage to speak out about the evil of his record company Sony prior to ‘dying’.)
Musicians who resort to wearing costumes and make-up top the charts on a regular basis. The con started back in the 50's with Screamin' Jay Hawkins, an Opera singer wannabe who took to wearing face paint and popping out of a coffin on stage. No one seemed to notice that he couldn't sing a note. Little Richard was next with the lipstick and mascara. Who cared if his shrill tenor curdled the lymph? Later on it was Alice Cooper who cornered the mascara market, swathing the stuff on more thickly than anyone else at the time to distract his fans from his own brand of musical ineptitude. The New York Dolls soon followed and flaunted their kinky glam rock wares, also with deceptive success, since they too couldn't play music worth a guitar pick.
Here's a brief list of my favorite cosmetic con artists who should be permanently banned from the airwaves, from the stage, from recording contracts and locked away on one of the more remote of the Aleutian islands. At least until the make up wears off and their real faces are bared to the world of truth:
1. Marilyn Manson: This sorry product of the Trent Reznor brain trust, has managed to sleight-of-hand his fans for years. He continues to pump out low quality music that never seems to move beyond the ghastly techno-drivel distortion that targets the
vulnerable eardrums of legions of fourteen year olds. As an antidote to his contrived market ugliness, he should open his soul to Beethoven's Emperor Concerto No. 5 in E-Flat 'Symphony of the Air' performed by Artur Rubinstein (Josef Krips Conductor).
2. Insane Clown Posse: Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope, a couple of Schlock Rock Rappers who moon light as All Star Wrestlers, have body slammed their fans into thinking they have some semblance of artistic merit/talent. Yet underneath the greasepaint, are a couple of debile Shriner's Circus has beens, suffering the psychotic side effects of years of Paxil, Zoloft, Viagra and Old Turkey. Wise up ICP fans and have these renegade side-show schlemiels committed for real.
3. Slipknot: These corn belt yokels made a desperate career move by donning goalie masks and other Friday the 13th variations thereof, while failing to develop their music into something worthy of our lasting attention. The result? Apparently they are providing the sound track to the Freddie vs. Jason movie coming out this summer.
What a feather in the hack talent cap! Give these Slasher Musicians a hand if you dare! Better yet, put them on the rink during the Stanley Cup and see how well they fare.
4. Kiss: In the early 70's Kiss's shit hit the charts, thus splattering the unwashed masses with 4/4 predictability, three chord formula thwang and Jr. High School marching band caliber drum solos. The following axiom applies to Kiss more than any other act: The more make up you wear on stage, the more likely you have something to hide. In Kiss's case that would be their obvious lack of musicianship and their inability to spiritually evolve into something redeemable.
5. Michael Jackson: The dumpster behind MJ's mansion was full of empty bleach bottles, so alleged a National Enquirer paparazzi years ago. Jackson should win top prize for not only a convincing and permanent make-up job but also the public relations brilliance with which he has handled questions about his ongoing dermatological mutations. Creepiness is only skin deep? Only his plastic surgeon
knows for sure. Best you can do is close your eyes when he sings and see if that helps you cope.
(©2003-Jaye B.)
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Jaye B. is a writer, musician and artist. His art criticism has appeared in Art Paper, New North Artscape, Art Muscle, Northfield Magazine and elsewhere. His articles have also appeared in City Pages, Twin Cities Reader, Mysteries Magazine, Fahrenheit San Diego, High Plains Reader, New Dawn and Rain Taxi. He has appeared on BBC Radio, WGN Chicago, WLW Cincinnati and elsewhere in the mediasphere to discuss his work. Please help support Reset News @ Paypal, Cash App or contact the author for other options @ resetnews@protonmail.com
Barf, barf, barf, barf, and concerning Jackson, from what I’ve read of the habit of celebrities faking their own death, this Could Well apply to him as well
Great one Jaye. I’ll be sharing your SS in a future post.